My first intimate relationship was with a boy who later became my husband the father of my children and the last relationship I really ever had. I need so much therapy now….if I only knew.
The Jealousy began right away. I thought, this boy really loves me. He called me 6 to 8 times a day. He was caught by my Wilder girlfriends driving past my house at off hours in the morning like 4 or 5 am. He would have my friend watch me and tell him who I talked to where I went who I was with. I hated spending everyday arguing with him that I had not been spending all my time with another boy or at a boys house or I did not go eat with another boy that day…it became very hard to deal with.
I heard the boys in my town whispering about me behind my back and later I found out my boyfriend had threatened all of them with a sawed off shotgun and told them all to stay away from me or he was going to kill them.
My friends began dropping off like flies, and boys in my town stopped flirting with me and barely looked at me anymore. I became extremely depressed. I had no idea this was abuse or that he was even the cause of it. I thought I wasn’t attractive anymore. I had a really hard time dealing with it.
Later after years of this abuse I began to realize he was very insecure. I couldn’t wear make up or it was cause I was meeting another man. I had to stay on the phone all night long because if I didn’t I was out with another man. Then I got pregnant …..and he began to start keeping secrets. He started distancing himself…and then he dumped me.
I was devastated. I thought this man loved me more than I ever dreamed a man could possibly ever love me. All I had was him. He had come between me my mother my Grandparents my friends my cousins, I felt completely alone.
I fell into a dark deep depression that I can only describe as the worst period of my entire life
And it truly was, I have never been that sad ever again in my life.
Aside from being pregnant and hormonal,I was hypersensitive too. I felt as if my life was really over. I believed he was never coming back and I would never fall in love like that again. Well, I never did, but he did come back, and it really took years to finally free myself from his spell over me and even then after I had made my final decision to separate for good, I have never been the same. I have never really gotten completely over it. He was the center if my life for 16 years. It was really over I was not in love with him anymore.
The things this man put me through made me truly ill myself, as well as my children. The truth is right now as I am writing this the pain is so deep that I can barely allow myself to feel it. The truth of how unhealthy and the things that actually went on in my relationship would make you nauseous.
If I had realized when I was 16 years old that his absurd jealousy was a sign of a severely abusive man, who was also seriously mentally ill, it could have all been avoided. I would not have wasted the best years of my life on a man who was truly incapable of loving anyone.
I am severely disturbed because of this relationship and I want to make my community aware of this extremely important warning sign, although there are many other signs, this was the earliest and most obvious sign that I want you all to realize is not something that should be taken lightly or ignored.
Jealousy can be a good thing at certain times in any relationship, but the severity of this red flag signal should be judged properly and early.
I don’t want anyone to suffer the way I did over any man. I wasn’t the only one who suffered, my children my mother my Grandparents my family his family. Everyone suffered because if his abuse and mental illness.
And I notice the most favorite thing an abuser will do is cause you to be the one everyone looks at as the one who’s abusive or mentally disturbed. And make no mistake I am disturbed because of it.
My mother is deceased, his mother also deceased, both suicides.
It’s no joke.
Abuse whether it’s your son husband son in law..
It affects everyone.
At first I struggled with the fact that I was in love with s married man. I was a christian trying hard to show my children what the difference between a good woman and a bad woman was. I was faithful to their father, but now he was gone. I found myself attracted strongly to a married man. I could tell he felt it too.
It made it really rough. I was also struggling with finding my own identity again after 16 years of being the wife of…
I wanted to be sexy. I wanted to show my boys that girls were allowed to be beautiful and sexy mmm d not be a whore. They were becoming teenagers. It was extreemly important to me that my boys knew the difference. It wasn’t how they dressed wore their hair and make up…it was how they behaved. I obviously didn’t know how to behave. I did… and then I didn’t.
Let me explain…. I really had no idea what or how I was supposed to act or show them was proper for a woman/girl to behave. I was with my x husband since age 16. So I sort of reverted back to where I had left off being 16. But I was 32…. yes…it wasn’t pretty…pretty hilarious but not to them. Seeing as how all their friends moms whom ivwas compared to daily wrre either single and obese. Or thin and married and fairly attractive.
I was nicknamed a MILF. if you dont know what that is ask a 16 yr old boy. He will tell you. Well struggling with the fact that they picked on me and also tried my patience at times I knew I had to set limits with them. I drank…alot. after my mother passed and my marriage fell apart..within 3 months of eachother. I was severely depressed. And attracted to a married man. I was a mess to say the least… I mean that to the point of yeah thats an understatement!
Well I handled the boys alright. Yes they drank at my house, forgive me, im not perfect, and im not trying to prove anything. Im just blogging honestly. But the stipulations wrre that they did NOT drink with me. After all what kind of mom drinks with her son and their friends? A whore…at least I thought so.
So things went well. They drank at the other mothers houses too. Who and im not making any excuses… but they were…we were all heavy drinkers.
But the time came that my sons friends turned 18 years old. And secretly I had been watching their behaviors growing up and one boy/man had caught my eye because he was the Eddie Hassler of the Leave it to Beaver… yes miss Hatfield. ..da last da… let me do that for you miss Hatfield. Yes oh and he was very handsome too. Oh boy did he ever have me snowed. He was the ring leader of all the pranks and bad happenings around town…as well as my own home… but in my eyes…he could do absolutely no wrong.
Well my mistake….yes its a buggy…but not too bad though . I started allowing them to drink with me and hang out. After all they were 18 and some younger some older but basically he was 18. Oh and yes that awful thought crossed my mind several times…. but I could not bring myself to allow any misconduct I r inapproria tenses other than… shoo we! You are so handsome. But he knew and he knew I knew he knew I knew he knew….. yes. That didnt go over very well with my son. At all. But we continued to hang… then another tear passed and th is young man was 19. Ok I admit it. Im human. I thought he was the shit. I truly almost lost my mind. I ended up getting drinker. Which I had tried the years before to NEVER OH GOD FORBID NEVER lose control. But oh Lordy. There I went…. I started even buying the alcohol. I forbade the boys entrance into my room. Never. Not allowed. Ever. No if ands buts… period. Well. Here we are I drank till I knew I had lost just enough control to you know flirt…. nun huh… bad mistake. He flipped. He started over drinking. I knew I couldn’t continue this. In this time I began allowing girls (and they ALWAYS equal DRAMA) to come over. The boys would strut n show off. It was cute yep… until I started acting like them… now wait 35 36 now? And these young things are 18 19 ???? Not happening mom! My son was so so angry with me that they began to go else where to bbc.co e there partu s get togethers…what ever but NO IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NOT A FLOP HOUSE because of the simple fact I had one rule….NO SEX IN MY HOUSE! EVER! SO to me that made a difference. It really did to some degree but hey… when ur wrong you’re just well… wrong.
I was wrong from the beginning. Oh I wish I knew then what I know now… yes in heingn sight we all see 20/20.
Well one more teensy weeny humungous mistake.
I slept with one of the 18 year olds that didnt really come over too often. Hoping no one would find out especially since he was dating one of the little 19 year olds across the street. Oops. Hey but he was so cute and persistent and I was really comfortable with him. He was well not like a 25 or 30 year old but I could tell I sent his first rodeo ride. Anyway. No one did find out. But I knew and omg. I felt truly disgusting. I felt so bad that I believed I shouldn’t be raising my children. I felt like the sky had fallen.. my whole world fell poo art. It truly did. All my strength I had standing barefoot and with a beer in my hand fighting for my righteousness…m.gone. I was weak. Guilty. Ugly. Horrid. I won’t mention some other things that happened to me that also broke me to peices. I was horhorribly confused.
Then I found myself obsessing over this married man once again.
Omg. Wasn’t this roller coaster ever going to end. Nope… im still on it.
Ok. So did I go from being an honest woman to a wh ore because of bad choices?
Or was I a whore struggling to be I dont know expressed?
Who really knows. All I know is that I really wish mom g ad been alive because the only people I had to talk to about my confusion before those choices were hormone enraged 18 19 year old girls. What advice did they have?
You already know.
But come on I should’ve been past that. Drinking or not. Mom gone or not. I dont kniw. I thin k I took advantage of the fact that it wasn’t wrong morally only ethically.
But still I think that if someone wrre in the same position I was and they read this…I think if I would have read it….I would have made better choices.
Still that married man.
Oh here is what I got to say about that. If he cant make an honest woman out if you.
DUMP HIS UNWORTHY ASS
DONT LOOK TWICE
DONT DIP YOUR TOES INTO THE BLUE LAKE theres a real ugly monster in that lake
Before you have any relations sexually with a married man
MAKE SURE HES NOT MARRIED TO SOME ONE ELSE BESIDES YOU!
IF He gets divorced comes to you at a later time n says hey…I cant stop this thing I got for you
And he takes you out on a date….GUESS WHAT
Youre a honest woman
Because he made you one
And you were just doing the right thing
At the right time
For the right reason.
Thats probably why he still lives ya baby! Get that ring I think I might be hearing wedding bells