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Whore or honest woman?

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Whore?
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Honest woman?

At first I struggled with the fact that I was in love with s married man.  I was a christian trying hard to show my children what the difference between a good woman and a bad woman was.  I was faithful to their father, but now he was gone.  I found myself attracted strongly to a married man.  I could tell he felt it too. 
It made it really rough.  I was also struggling with finding my own identity again after 16 years of being the wife of…
I wanted to be sexy.  I wanted to show my boys that girls were allowed to be beautiful and sexy  mmm d not be a whore.  They were becoming teenagers.  It was extreemly important to me that my boys knew the difference.  It wasn’t how they dressed wore their hair and make up…it was how they behaved.  I obviously didn’t know how to behave.  I did… and then I didn’t.
Let me explain…. I really had no idea what or how I was supposed to act or show them was proper for a woman/girl to behave.  I was with my x husband since age 16.  So I sort of reverted back to where I had left off being 16. But I was 32…. yes…it wasn’t pretty…pretty hilarious but not to them. Seeing as how all their friends moms whom ivwas compared to daily wrre either single and obese.  Or thin and married and fairly attractive.
I was nicknamed a MILF.  if you dont know what that is ask a 16 yr old boy.  He will tell you.  Well struggling with the fact that they picked on me and also tried my patience at times I knew I had to set limits with them.  I drank…alot. after my mother passed and my marriage fell apart..within 3 months of eachother.  I was severely depressed. And attracted to a married man.   I was a mess to say the least… I mean that to the point of yeah thats an understatement!
Well I handled the boys alright.  Yes they drank at my house, forgive me, im not perfect, and im not trying to prove anything.  Im just blogging honestly.  But the stipulations wrre that they did NOT drink with me.  After all what kind of mom drinks with her son and their friends?   A whore…at least I thought so.
So things went well. They drank at the other mothers houses too. Who and im not making any excuses… but they were…we were all heavy drinkers. 
But the time came that my sons friends turned 18 years old.  And secretly I had been watching their behaviors growing up and one boy/man had caught my eye because he was the Eddie Hassler of the Leave it to Beaver… yes miss Hatfield. ..da last da… let me do that for you miss Hatfield.  Yes oh and he was very handsome too.  Oh boy did he ever have me snowed.  He was the ring leader of all the pranks and bad happenings around town…as well as my own home… but in my eyes…he  could do absolutely no wrong.  
Well my mistake….yes its a buggy…but not too bad though .  I started allowing them to drink with me and hang out.  After all they were 18 and some younger some older but basically he was 18.  Oh and yes that awful thought crossed my mind several times…. but I could not bring myself to allow any misconduct I r inapproria tenses other than… shoo we! You are so handsome.  But he knew and he knew I knew he knew I knew he knew….. yes. That didnt go over very well with my son.  At all.  But we continued to hang… then another tear passed and th is young man was 19.  Ok I admit it.  Im human.  I thought he was the shit.   I truly almost lost my mind.   I ended up getting drinker. Which I had tried the years before to NEVER OH GOD FORBID NEVER  lose control.   But oh Lordy. There I went…. I started even  buying the alcohol.  I forbade the boys entrance into my room.   Never.  Not allowed.  Ever.   No if ands buts… period.  Well.  Here we are I drank till I knew I had lost just enough control to you know flirt…. nun huh… bad mistake.  He flipped.   He started over drinking.  I knew I  couldn’t continue this.   In this time I began allowing girls (and they ALWAYS equal DRAMA) to come over.  The boys would strut n show off.  It was cute yep… until I started acting like them… now wait 35 36 now?  And these young things are 18 19 ???? Not happening mom!   My son was so so angry with me that they began to go else where to  bbc.co e there partu s get togethers…what ever but NO IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NOT A FLOP HOUSE  because of the simple fact I had one rule….NO SEX IN MY HOUSE! EVER!  SO to me that made a difference.  It really did to some degree but hey… when ur wrong you’re just well… wrong.
I was wrong from the beginning.  Oh I wish I knew then what I know now… yes in heingn sight we all see 20/20. 
Well one more teensy weeny humungous mistake. 
Um. 
I slept with one of the 18 year olds that didnt really come over too often. Hoping no one would find out especially since he was dating one of the little 19 year olds across the street.  Oops.  Hey but he was so cute and persistent and I was really comfortable with him.  He was well not like a 25 or 30 year old but I could tell I sent his first rodeo ride.  Anyway. No one did find out. But I knew and omg.  I felt truly disgusting.  I felt so bad that I believed I shouldn’t be raising my children.  I felt like the sky had fallen.. my whole world fell  poo art.  It truly did.  All my strength I had standing barefoot and with a beer in my hand fighting for my righteousness…m.gone. I was weak. Guilty. Ugly.  Horrid.  I won’t mention some other things that happened to me that also broke me to peices.  I was horhorribly confused. 
Then I found myself obsessing over this married man once again. 
Omg.  Wasn’t this roller coaster ever going to end.  Nope… im still on it.

Ok.  So did I go from being an honest woman to a wh ore because of bad choices? 

Or was I a whore struggling to be I dont know expressed?

Who really knows.  All I know is that I really wish mom g ad been alive because the only people I had to talk to about my confusion before those choices were hormone enraged 18 19 year old girls.  What advice did they have? 
You already know. 
But come on I should’ve been past that.  Drinking or not.  Mom gone or not. I dont kniw.  I thin k I took advantage of the fact that it wasn’t wrong morally only ethically.
But still I think that if someone wrre in the same position I was and they read this…I think if I would have read it….I would have made better choices.
Still that married man. 
Oh here is what I got to say about that.   If he cant make an honest woman out if you.  
DUMP HIS UNWORTHY ASS
DONT LOOK TWICE
DONT DIP YOUR TOES INTO THE BLUE LAKE theres a real ugly monster in that lake
Before you have any  relations sexually with a married man
MAKE SURE HES NOT MARRIED TO SOME ONE ELSE BESIDES YOU!
IF He gets divorced comes to you at a later time n says hey…I cant stop this thing I got for you
And he takes you out on a date….GUESS WHAT 
Youre a honest woman
Because he made you one
And you were just doing the right thing
At the right time
For the right reason.
Thats probably why he still lives ya baby! Get that ring I think I might be hearing wedding bells
Huh….
Bella ringing…….
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Zero 2 hero

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/zero-to-hero/#
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